How to Have Tough Conversations – 8 Ways to Respectfully Get There
- Actually Read the Material First
- Put an End to Cruel, Anonymous Internet Comments
- Allow at Least a 1% Chance You Could Be Wrong
- Be Willing to Say, “I Don’t Know”
- Put Knowledge Before Passion
- Let “Gentleness and Respect” Be Your Guide
- Winning Is Not the Goal of a Conversation
- “Follow the Argument, Wherever It Leads.”
Have you been involved in an uncomfortable or angry debate about politics, God or the claims of religion or science lately? Seen any of those aggressive and very anonymous comments after a noteworthy political news story? It’s getting pretty ugly on the Internet and news stations.
In recent interviews with Christian apologists, skeptics, atheists, and agnostics, I sought to find a few common themes in how to best approach meaningful, intelligent and considerate discussions about politics, religion, the Bible, and other topics that tend to push our buttons. Feeling courageous? Here are eight principles for how to have difficult conversations, move beyond the debate format and engage in more respectful discussions.
1. Actually Read the Material First
Reading the material you wholeheartedly believe in (or intend to scrutinize) sets you up for more intelligent and respectful conversations. This point may seem obvious, but the majority of us skip this important beginning step. Tracy Burgess, editor of the Australian Atheist Magazine noted, “What I find when I do talk to religious people — family, friends, strangers — is that an awful lot of religious people haven’t actually read their own texts … I have the Bible and the Qur’an on my iPad, ready for when I have these discussions.”
ARE YOU RELIGIOUSLY LITERATE? Take the quiz that many U.S. college students fail.
“Why Do So Many People Own Bibles But So Few Read Them?”
The Center For Bible Engagement surveyed over 8,500 Americans in an effort to “determine why so many Christ-followers own Bibles but fail to read them.” The results found that 43.7% of participants had read the entire Bible all the way through, at least once, pointing to another glaring statistic — The majority of Bible-believers had never, even once, read the Bible all the way through [1]. This suggests that some may be practicing selective Scripture-quoting and storytelling based on a limited snapshot of the Bible, and not on a comprehensive picture of the entire collection of texts.
“I would hope,” Burgess continues, “that if I’m going to base my life on a belief system, that I would have read the texts, and I’m always shocked when I talk to people who are religious, who will argue with me.” In plainest terms, if you want to be on the same page in your conversations with others, make sure you have actually read those pages first. That is the surest way to pull your weight in a discussion where our strongest passions are in play.
2. Put an End to Cruel, Anonymous Internet Comments
Many of the cruel insults on the Internet get contributed anonymously, from people hiding behind non-identifying avatars and cryptic usernames. In her New York Times #1 Best Seller, The Gifts of Imperfection, author Brené Brown says, “Cruelty is cheap, easy, and rampant. It’s also chicken-shit. Especially when you attack and criticize anonymously – like technology allows so many people to do these days.” (p. 53)
Watch Brené Brown’s TED talk (Over 25 Million views and counting)
The Internet allows us to hide our identity and never fully engage in meaningful conversation as ourselves. Of course, we can choose to end this practice, taking named ownership of our comments, and adopting personal responsibility for the thoughts and words we share in a public forum. As the old schoolyard saying goes, “If you have something to say, say it to my face.”
In other words, if we think our opinions should be genuinely considered, then we should have the guts to show our true identity. This is especially significant when comments involve cruelty, insults or rage. If you have strong words to share, make sure you provide a way for people to contact the real you. This demonstrates a more honorable way to engage people with whom our personal worldviews and opinions may feel at odds.
3. How Could I Possibly Be Wrong? Give It At Least a 1% Chance
In an interview on Pilgrimage, Christian apologist Siobahnne Duhé (Biola University) noted, “I think if you set yourself up for 100% certainty, that you’re going to fail, that you can’t do it … I personally go for beyond a reasonable doubt. It’s good enough for the courts.”
Admitting the possibility of error in our own conclusions is what award-winning author, Guy P. Harrison (Think: Why You Should Question Everything), names as a key attribute of all good skeptics. “In science,” says Harrison, “You can’t be 100% certain about anything … you have to leave the door just cracked a tiny bit, because anything can change. Things in the past that seemed crazy have turned out to be real. Things now that seem absolutely real and fairly certain will undoubtedly turn out to be nonsense tomorrow.”
“In true dialogue, both sides are willing to change.” – Thích Nhất Hạnh
One need not fear losing themselves in the vast field of relativist thinking by simply admitting our own propensity for human error. We all can, and probably have, been wrong about a few important matters now and then. The very nature of the word “repent” comes with an opportunity to turn away from our mistakes, revise our conclusions, and choose fitting new actions. “In true dialogue,” says peace activist Thích Nhất Hạnh, “both sides are willing to change.”
4. Be Willing to Say, “I Don’t Know”
Sometimes we might not have all of the necessary information to loudly advocate a particular position or belief. When discussing answers to life’s more challenging questions, Harrison says, “It is appropriate and honest to say, ‘I don’t know.’ Keep searching for the answers, but it’s OK to leave the answer blank for the time being.” Duhé would appear to agree. “Be prepared to sometimes look at someone and say, ‘I don’t know,’ says Duhé. “That’s a hard thing to do when you really enjoy being right.” If you don’t know, admit it, and then keep looking for the answer.
5. Put Knowledge Before Passion
Sometimes it helps to look toward those touted as the wisest figures among our human species for advice on how to best conduct our exchanges. King Solomon, collectively considered by Jews, Muslims and Christians to be among these wisest, shared an important perspective on insuring that knowledge take precedent over personal passions. “Do not have zeal without knowledge,” Solomon says in Proverbs 19:2, “nor be hasty and miss the way.”
Could it be that many of our angry conversations weigh in with a hefty dose of passion and zeal, yet are skim pickings when it comes to actual knowledge about the topics and texts on the table?” A key example: If you passionately defend the Ten Commandments, can you at least name those Commandments? If you can’t, you’re not alone, and have some homework to do. For wiser conversations, give zeal the passenger seat, and let knowledge do the driving.
The security of faith does not make us motionless or close us off, but sends us forth to bear witness and to dialogue with all people.
— Pope Francis (@Pontifex) August 2, 2013
6. Let Gentleness and Respect Be Your Guide
The New Testament includes a defining Scripture for engaging in Biblical debate and apologetics (the defense of the Christian faith). In 1 Peter 3:15 (NIV translation), the author says, “But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.”
If you are only seeking to tear someone down, or are refusing to include authentic listening and genuine consideration of another person’s ideas, chances are, you have missed the mark of “gentleness and respect.” Experiment with leading by example, proposing your claims and opinions gently and respectfully. Even if you don’t find much common ground in your conversation, at least you’ve kept your cool.
7. Winning Is Not the Goal of a Conversation
A debate carries the expectation of having a winner or loser by the end of it. We see this during presidential debates. The post-debate discussions usually center upon who “won the debate.” Such is nonsense in the world of conversations. The goal of conversation does not involve itself with winning and losing. It typically aims at the mutual exchange of ideas, works toward common understanding, and promotes introspection above critique. A debate barely qualifies as a conversation, and should more accurately be labeled the beginnings of possible ongoing dialogue.
Preaching, however effective and positive, falls into this category as well. These are the starting places, not the finish lines. Even this article you are reading is a starting place for further exploration and conversation. Many of us are just not very practiced in this art. Respectful conversation skills can and should be developed through intentional practice.
Conversation vs. Debate: A closer comparison
8.“Follow the Argument, Wherever It Leads.”
While studying at Oxford University in the 1940’s, a respected young atheist named C.S. Lewis (Chronicles of Narnia) helped found The Oxford Socratic Club, in an effort to investigate the evidence for god and Christianity. After years of intellectual struggle, Lewis would become a Christian, and along with members like J.R.R.Tolkien (Lord of the Rings), the club adopted this motto directly from the philosopher Socrates: “Follow the argument, wherever it leads.”
Meaningful conversations may sometimes take us into unfamiliar and uncomfortable territories. But if we prefer to aim for greater accuracy in discovering what is real, and what is not, it makes sense to call upon all resources available to us. Next time someone initiates a conversation you feel is off the charts of reality, try going on the journey, following the argument, and having the courage to ask, where is this leading me? It may bring up questions, concerns, doubts, and additional ideas meriting further discussion – all wonderful ingredients of meaningful dialogue.
Add a dash of The Golden Rule, and you’re well beyond the shortcomings of the debate format, and on your way toward more respectful conversations.
Hear the interviews mentioned in this article: Episode 002 of Pilgrimage
